Naval Officer Motivational Statement?

Hello Everyone I need to write a motivational statement which is required to be accepted in the Naval Officer program. Below you will find my statement, I have not revised it as of yet. I just want some feedback about the content material. Thanks a lot Naval Officer Entering High School is a major milestone in one's life. For most of high school peers the only things that were of importance was popularity and high school athletics, but for me my primary concern was life after high school. Growing up, my family did not have much with my parents as it relates to education and employment stability. As a young child, I knew that I wanted to graduate high school and sequentially college, a feat that my parents did not accomplish and could not afford. My desire for an education was also reinforced by my desire to be an effective leader. Having a strong desire to be an effective leader, I volunteer at the County Courthouse and local community college. As a volunteer in both programs, I was able to mentor elementary and middle school age children about life decisions. Keen on being a positive influence, I participated in the Junior Reserve Officer Training Course (JROTC) program which educated my about military training and the unity of this country. The leadership, uniformity, and discipline of JROTC confirmed my desire to enlist in the United States military. Fortunately, my high school had a professional relationship with the local armed forces recruiting office, which administer the Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery (ASVAB) test. With my ASVAB scores and willingness to serve our country on September 25, 2001, I enlisted in United States Navy. Serving in the Navy has allowed me to demonstrate my leadership experience while accepting additional responsibilities. As an Airman in the Line Division, I worked profusely to obtain my required qualifications, which were acquired within six months. After obtaining the required qualifications, I voluntarily assumed the Leading Airman/ Plane Captain position. This position allowed for increase leadership and responsibilities including the facilitating the training of 32 junior airmen. With the training provided to the Line Division the unit was successful in attaining a 98 percent combat sortie completion rate, over 2,900 mishap-free flight hours, and approximately 1,400 carrier-arrested landings during Operation Iraqi Freedom mission. As a Navy Reservist attending Construction Electrician School, I served as Platoon Commander for approximately 150 construction electricians. In this leadership position my responsibilities included the assisting with physical training activities, berthing, and uniform inspections. In addition to these duties it was my responsibility to ensure the safe movement of troops from berthing areas to the training facilities. My responsibilities extended to empowering the troops through coordinating study sessions and organizing volunteer activities to assist the local community. Given the opportunity to earn a commission as a Naval Officer, I will use my experience and education to become a directive, supportive, and participative leader. Within my abilities as a Naval Officer I would concentrate on promoting adaptive and useful changes among my colleagues and the enlisted community. Furthermore, as a Naval Officer my abilities would be employed to facilitate individual and collective efforts that are aligned with the Navy's core value…Honor, Courage, and Commitment.